You know, I haven't written on here in a long time. Only because my life has been awsome and better. But right now I am really drunk and I'm depressed as shit. And it's not even the fact that I'm drunk. But more so the fact that something has been building up. I wish I could really go into it in detail, but I think it would take a lot of writing and explaining. I'm going through a lot right now. Namely working a lot, but in fact, I think working a lot is keeping me busy from the real issues in my life. People I love and have loved, to say the least. These things plague me more than anyone can imagine. Plus my fucked up views on people that I find attractive. I don't know. It's just not realistic, I think. The people who actually like me aren't in my realm of reality and the people I like aren't in their realm of my reality. I don't know. I feel like I need to leave here still, but soberly, I've had no problems with anything. But I talked to Jehovah tonight and maybe I still need to leave. But I'm not an improv kind of guy. I used to be, I suppose. But I'm more into the creation, direction and musician kinda things in my life at this point. I strayed away from improv, even though I think I'm a pretty funny guy. My humor still needs to be developed. I can take things to a certain level though. That's why Jehovah and I always worked well together. He know's how to take it that one step further.
I don't know. I'm stuck having fucked up attractions and wanting realtions with people who don't make sense. And the one's who do are already dead. And even so, that might not make sense either.
All I know is one thing. I've liked people in my past because they are fucking awesome. And some people don't talk to me anymore and some people are dead. And some of those things are still unbelieveable to me. And other of those things are still my fault. I can't help growing up wanting my first love to be my first sexual experience and to have it be that from there on out. I can't help that I was that fucking naive. I am such a different person these days that anyone who knew me so well 10 years ago have no idea now who I am now. And sometimes when I am around them I feel like I have to prove that I've learned something. Even still, I'm shy as fuck and passive aggressive still to a point, but I'm more vocal and better about stuff than I used to be, thanks to Cody. And I am more so emotionally sound. But does that help or change my siutuation? Not really.
So what the fuck am I supposed to do? I am still looking for someone to dress myself like when I was 5 and I'm still pissing the bed like back then, figuratively speaking. Only in much different ways.
I feel like I am entirely fucked. Only I am also drunk. And maybe none of this matters. But deep inside my head, it's still there, no matter how much I pretend that it isn't.